So I've been struggling lately. I've been waking up every morning with my teeth clenched and I even had a stress dream last night that reflects my feelings. I recently had an interview at another clinic (the third clinic I've interviewed at). I thought the interview went really well and the clinic director (also a PT) and I really hit it off! We talked for like an hour and a half and I felt sure I would hear from her soon. But that was a week and a half ago and I've heard nothing but crickets. I even sent a follow-up email with no response. Not a "no," not a "sorry we chose someone else" just nothing. So anyway, in my dream, I was at this clinic and I was looking through a window into the director's office and she was interviewing another girl who was just so relaxed and confident and better than me in pretty much every way. And the director offered her a job right on the spot. And I woke up feeling just awful. It's hard for me to be home all day with the kids, especially with Eric gone 12 hours a day and us not even having our own space to be in. Trey and Patty's house is starting to get crowded now with them and us and Matthew and Valerie and Silva and Emma all living here! But I don't think that's the real issue. I think its more that I just feel so depressed about the fact that I've applied for 7 different jobs, been interviewed by 3 of them and most of the places have just not gotten back to me at all. I never heard from any of the school jobs I applied for. I did get one job offer from a clinic but they COMPLETELY low balled me on the salary. Like insultingly low. So I counter-offered and thought I made it very clear that I was open to negotiation and they didn't even bother to respond. Which I think is rude and frustrating and makes me not want to work there anyway. And I guess I just feel pressured because 1) I spent so much time and money getting this career where I can help people and really make a difference and now I'm not even using it 2) Levi is old enough for preschool and really wants to go to preschool but we can't afford to send him unless I'm working and 3) I just don't do well being a stay at home mom. I feel like my brain is atrophying. I find myself wondering what to do all day every day. I am bored, my kids are bored and honestly, I just don't particularly like playing incredibles, or fight or whatever it is Levi wants to do. My little boy is all about the action- running, and jumping and wrestling and hitting and whacking things with pretend swords and shooting with pretend guns. Which is super typical and great but I would just so much rather read books or do art or something! He's s sweet kid and can be so snuggly and he is so smart and has a great memory but he is also passionate and opinionated and when he wakes up too early or doesn't get enough sleep he can be soooo difficult. This morning he woke up at 6 (which is way too early for him) and subsequently had a melt down because his cheerios were floating on his milk. He wanted me to pour more milk for him and didn't understand that even with more milk the cheerios would not stay under the milk. And it was all my fault in his mind. So he threw a screaming fit and tried to hit me. And the morning just continued on that vein with Emery also chiming in on the screaming and trouble-making. And it's especially hard for me to deal with all of this right now because the biggest issue this past week is that Emery no longer sleeps. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but she's been waking up multiple times a night, sometimes for HOURS at a time. And waking up early on top of that. On Thursday she got up at 4:30 am and WAS UP FOR THE DAY. It's killing me. And she's been fighting naps which is ridiculous because she should be so tired! The last few weeks I've been trying to transition her to one nap a day because 1) it is so much easier schedule-wise and 2) she has been refusing her afternoon nap for a while which just doesn't work because then she was only napping from like 9:30 to 11:30 and then trying to go from 11:30 all the way to bedtime with no nap which meant she was so tired and cranky by bedtime. Anyway, maybe she isn't ready for 1 nap a day? I don't know, but also she is cutting a new bottom tooth. I can just see it starting to poke through the surface and I'm thinking/hoping that's the cause of a lot of her recent sleep struggles but even when we give her Tylenol it doesn't seem to help so I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired. I'm tired and angry all the time and I just want to be in my own house and I want to go back to work and I feel like we are just moving through molasses on everything. It takes forever to close on the house, it's taking forever to try to get a job, etc, etc. I find myself catastrophizing a lot, most commonly something along the lines of "what if she never sleeps again?!?!?" It also doesn't help that we've been here for 3 months now and I still don't have any friends. I tried to get together with the one other young person in the Denton 4th ward but then her daughter got sick, then my mom was in town, then she was out of town, etc. It just hasn't worked out. My life in Oregon feels like a lifetime ago when I was a different person. It's like I've taken a giant step backward. No more job, no more friends, now I have roommates who eat all our food and make not-so-subtle comments about my parenting constantly and I find myself having to label everything and work around other people's messes. We can't get into our house soon enough! But at the same time, I worry that once we move into our own house I will get even more lonely. But at least then we will be in our ward with other young families and a vested interest in getting to know them. And Eric's commute will be an hour and a half shorter every day which I'm hoping will make a big difference.
I know I need to wean and sleep train Emery. But I dont' know how to. Especially with her and Levi sharing a room right now. It's not like we can just let her cry because that will just wake up Levi who would then also cry and yell and double our trouble. I feel stuck. And I find myself wanting to escape a lot. I've been listening to more audio books. I finished Educated which was sooo good. And I'm almost done with this fun short fantasy series by Mercedes Lackey. I've also been doing string art again. I'm working on a big project for our master bedroom. It's a 24"x24" mandala in white on a deep dark blue background. I'm loving how it's turning out!
I'm realizing that when I don't get enough sleep, I devolve into a short-tempered, dramatic and depressed version of myself. And I'm sure that there are so many other things I could be doing better to help my mood as well: working out more, taking a probiotic, doing better about my scripture study and prayer, talking to a counselor, etc. I know I could/should be doing these things. But the daily grind sucks the will out of me. I feel like I can't do all these things and also take care of my children well and attend to my other responsibilities. I think the most important element is sleep. Maybe this week I will make a concentrated effort to read my scriptures every morning, work out right after the kids are in bed, and then go to bed super early and see if that helps.
Anyway, aside from me being a Debbie Downer, there have been some good things happening around here, as highlighted by these pictures!:
My mom came to visit and it was wonderful as always! We went to the zoo and played and just hung out mostly.
The petting zoo was actually open at the zoo so the kids got to brush some goats which they both really enjoyed.
Emery stole grandma's glasses and looks just like a little librarian! Sooo cute!
We went to a little carnival in Little Elm and stood in ridiculously long lines for rides. I was melting but Levi had a great time! He rode a little roller coaster and some motorcycle ride but his favorite was bumper cars with Daddy.
We went to the Spanish ward's cultural night in support of Valerie's family. Silva and Emery are just the cutest cousins as always.
Just some boys and their trains.
Mike and Kristie got a new swing that my kids love
Oh the slime disaster! I took the kids down to the playstreet museum in Flower Mound and as we were leaving one of the workers gave Levi some homemade slime. I made the huge mistake of letting him "hold"it in the car. At a light I turned back and saw this! The slime was EVERYWHERE! And then I freaked out a little and Levi started crying because he couldn't get the slime off of his hands and his shorts and it was altogether a disaster! I ended up just throwing those clothes of his away and spending over half an hour scrubbing his carseat with vinegar that night to get most of the slime off. I have definitely learned my lesson! No slime in the car ever!
These girls will hold hands when going for walks outside. I just love them!
Puddle jumping (or rather running through!) with Daddy!
I just love my bleached blond babe!
