Growing a Human is Hard

It's been such a long time since I've done a blog post. Being really sick brings out your priorities I guess and this is one of the many things that has fallen by the wayside as I have focused on just surviving and getting through each day. It's hard to grow a human. It's hard on my body, hard emotionally, hard on my family. And then I feel bad about feeling like it is hard because so many women have it so much worse than I do! That's something I've been struggling with this pregnancy: not comparing my experience with that of others and instead just letting it be my experience. At the start of this pregnancy, just when it was getting really bad and all I could do all day was lie on the couch and throw up and feel awful, I joined an HG support group on Facebook and that has been a good thing for me. It's inspiring to me to see women support each other through some of the hardest moments of their lives. And it feels good to be able to be that voice of encouragement and support for someone else. It has brought new understanding to me of the phrase "bear one another's burdens." Although my experience is my own and I may not be as sick as someone else, I still feel like going through this has blessed me with a degree of empathy that allows me to be that person who "gets it" for someone else. And it has helped so much to have a group that I can also vent to and share little triumphs with who get it, who respond, and who've been there. It also really helps to have Shannon and Kristie to talk to who also know what it's like to have really hard pregnancies. Kristie was the one who was able to be that listening ear and talk me through one of my hardest days when I felt like I just literally could not do this for 8 more months. And her suggestions were a big help me to and to Eric to know how to help me. Eric has been a rockstar through all of this. He works so hard to take care of me and Levi and all the things. He gets up with Levi every morning so I can try to sleep through some of the worst of the nausea, does all our menu planning, grocery shopping and dinners. He makes Levi's lunch and puts together his snacks in the morning before he leaves for work so I don't have to think about what I'm going to feed him (thinking of food is a trigger for me). And he just supports and loves me. He is so patient with the fact that evenings are so bad and all I can do is lie on the couch. And he advocates for me and encourages me to advocate for myself. He's the one who tells me time and again that I'm not failing at being a mother and that it's not a sign of weakness that I have to take Zofran (and other drugs) to make it through the day. I am so grateful for him and the unconditional love he shows me.

With all that said, I am starting to gradually get a little bit better. And I'm finally letting myself hope that this pregnancy, unlike the last one, the nausea and the vomiting may actually go away before baby is born. I still have some pretty intense food aversions and I still deal with significant nausea for good portions of every day and I still am incredibly fatigued, but the vomiting has shown a slow but steady decline over the last few weeks. Maybe it's because I fought hard at the beginning to get zofran right away and I have stuck to a schedule with it. Maybe it's because my awesome midwife has let me get IV hydration and meds at least once a week for the past 5 weeks. Maybe it's because I am taking it easier than last pregnancy and letting myself let everything go and just rest more (much to Levi's chagrin). Or maybe it's just that my body is getting a little bit better at this whole growing a person thing. I don't know. But the fact that I have already had days where I've been able to go the whole day without throwing up means I am already way better than I was at this point in pregnancy last time. So that makes me hope.

Usually fall is my very favorite time of the year but this year, it's been hard. And it is hard for me to see the beautiful colors outside and know that I'm missing out on things I would normally be doing with Levi this time of year. I have to remind myself that he won't remember any of this and that in the end, a sibling for him is a much bigger gift to him than anything we may be missing out on doing together now. But we have really made an effort when I am up for it and done some things as a family to enjoy the season anyway. We took Levi to an alpaca farm one Saturday. We went to an apple festival. We went to the ward Halloween party (Levi dressed up as a very cute dinosaur, Eric as wolverine and me as a functioning human haha). And this weekend, Eric and Levi and I went up to Anderson Island again. We got to have dinner with Anne, Manbir and Simon which was wonderful and then took the ferry out to the island and stayed the night in the same place we did last year. It is just so beautiful and peaceful there, I love it! And I actually felt pretty good almost the whole time we were there! I am so grateful we got to have that little escape, even though Levi did pour soy sauce and dump sugar all over the kitchen floor at one point!

Anyway, that's how our life has been lately. I haven't posted in forever so I have about a million pictures. So I will weed through them and try to post just the best ones. So here you go!

Levi was definitely unsure what to think of the alpacas! But they were super cute and soft and curious about us!

Typical shot of my bedside table this pregnancy: drugs, crackers, water alternatives (because water = evil), seabands (before I gave up on them as useless) and my scriptures. Sometimes when I feel just so so horrible, I just close my eyes and try to picture my spirit free of my body and in a place with Christ. It helps. 

I absolutely LOVE Levi's face in this picture. In case you can't tell, he's about to throw a bean bag. He has actually gotten really good at throwing! 

Levi loves cookies! Over the last month or so his vocabulary has grown significantly and a lot of his new words revolve around food: "cookie," "treat," "bite" and "sip." He also has started to combine words a lot more. He runs up to me whenever I am eating something and goes "bite, please!" 

The boy loves cheese!

Some days (usually in a small good-ish window of the afternoon before the 5pm downward spiral starts) Levi and I actually make it to the park. He always LOVES it and cries sometimes when I make him leave. 

For Levi, yogurt is a full-body sensory experience!

My mom came up in October and we went to the giant pumpkin regatta. Even though it was POURING rain and we got completely soaked it was fun to watch people try to kayak in giant, hollowed out pumpkins! It looked incredibly difficult to do but also hilarious. Levi however, was not so amused. 

Sometimes Levi pulls out the yoga mats, says "piyo!" and then proceeds to do squats or this. Haha. I miss piyo. I miss so much working out and eating healthy and just feeling healthy. I try to tell myself this is temporary, but I still miss it. 

Levi and I have spent a lot of time cuddling on the couch and watching things lately. I used to be totally against screen time. Then I got pregnant and now it's like, "hey we do what we have to to get through each day."

Levi loves to puddle jump so we finally got him some rainboots! He is obsessed with them and regularly chooses to wear them even in situations where he definitely doesn't need them. Haha. 

Oh hi Mom. 

Levi got roseola last weekend and it was so sad! He had such a high fever and didn't want to do anything but sit/lie on the couch, eat cheese, drink juice and watch Elmo. 

Levi loved trying on adult sized rainboots at Anne and Manbir's house!

Sunset in Steilacoom, WA

And sunrise on Anderson Island, WA

Levi is going to be such a great big brother! He has named the new baby "Car" and gives him/her lots of kisses already. He will come up to me and say "hi Car" and lay his head on my tummy. It's adorable. 

Isn't it beautiful the way the leaves die?

So it's been a bit of a tough day today. Levi woke up from his nap after only 40 minutes today just sobbing and would not go back to sleep despite Eric's and my best efforts. And he had a fever again! It's the fourth time he's come down with a fever since he started daycare! It's ridiculous and makes me so sad because he's so miserable. Nothing seems to help him feel comfortable and he's grouchy and crying and I can't make it better. It really makes me wonder if we are doing the right thing by putting him in daycare. I hate seeing him suffer like this and we just can't seem to catch a break! I feel like such a bad mom.

Also, I locked my keys in my car today. And we don't have a spare key because of the whole dropping my keys down that pole in the park incident. So my car is still just chilling at the church. We'll have to call roadside assistance tomorrow morning before Eric goes to work.

I took pictures of the young women today for YW in excellence. Thankfully the girls were good sports about it and most of the pictures turned out pretty good but I have two that are a bit blurry. Not sure what happened with those, I must have been in too much of a hurry and moved or something. Which is super embarrassing and makes me feel like a pretty awful photographer.

With all of this going on, I'm really grateful I got to go to women's conference yesterday. I always feel the spirit there and I leave feeling inspired to do and be better. This time I especially appreciated President Uchtdorf's talk. He talked about how we choose our attitude regardless of our circumstances. He talked about how comparison makes us sad and how we can let go of worrying about how others feel or think and just be ourselves. I have to admit I have let myself feel sad a bit today but even though I feel sad about Levi being sick and my lost keys and the bad pictures, I still am so grateful for my life, my boys and the beautiful fall weather we are finally having! We are blessed beyond measure.

Realized last week that Levi is now big enough for his little track suit. So cute!

This is how we've been spending a lot of our Sundays this month what with Levi being sick! Love my sweet boy snuggles but sad for the circumstances. 

We've got a little fall fashion model on our hands

Seriously the cutest boy

Rain coat season is back!

In other news, I chopped all my hair off! Yay! I feel so liberated. 

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you

So Eric and I have been doing our companionship study by topic over the last several months and this past week we choose peace as our topic. It turned out to be an inspired choice as I feel like the world all around us has been in turmoil lately. What with Hurricane Harvey devastating Houston, wildfires raging all over the US including practically the whole western state of Montana and close to home as well with the Eagle Creek fire which burned so much of our beautiful gorge and blanketed the whole Portland metro with smoke and ash for several days, Hurricane Irma destroying the Carribean and now headed for Florida and just general rumors of wars and unsettlement in the world with Trump making bold statements about North Korea and dismantling DACA. And not just in the world around us but at home as well we've faced things which rocked our peace. My car broke down a week ago and we had to get it towed to a mechanic to get it fixed and while it was there, it got hit by another tow truck and so now we have to figure out that settlement. Levi had his first week of daycare (which he was a rockstar at) but now has come down with a horrible cold/flu from. And the school year started for Newberg which meant a lot of running around for me at work and trying to make sure that all my kiddos on my caseload were taken care of and had what they needed for their first few days of school. There's just been a lot going on which can make me feel not at all peaceful!! But even with all of those things going on, I do have peace and comfort in the Gospel. I find that even though I am worried about things going on around me, or they make me sad, I feel comforted in the knowledge the Heavenly Father oversees all and He is well aware of my needs and the needs of my family and those around me. I find peace in my home as the Spirit is here and I find happiness with my husband and son as we share sweet moments of just laughing and being together, having dance parties, going for walks and enjoying the beauty of nature, and hanging out at the park. I know that my family will be together forever as we honor our covenants and I know that no matter what happens, we can have peace through the Spirit. A quote I read this week as part of our companionship study by Howard W Hunter sums up how I have been feeling: "When we feel the floods are threatening to drown us and the deep is going to swallow up our tossed vessel of faith, I pray we may always hear amid the storm and the darkness that sweet utterance of the Savior of the world, "Be of good cheer, it is I; Be not afraid." While I have moments of trouble, worry, and fear, I am strengthened by prayer and my faith that God will watch out for and protect me and my family. And I have been extra conscious this past week of savoring the little peaceful moments I have with Levi and Eric. These moments mean the world to me.

Levi loves to beg blackberries from Grandpa (an anyone else who will give them to him!)

Berry face!!

Love these boys!!

My mischevious run-away

This sight makes my heart happy. Fresh, ripe golden peaches, mmmmm

We went through our original 10 pounds of fresh-picked peaches so fast that Levi and I got to go again, this time with our friend Shalece and her son Lincoln who is 4 days older than Levi :)

Levi loves the truck park

I love us

Levi and I tried out a fun new splash pad on Labor Day

It looks like the water is spraying out of his head haha

This is how my poor sick baby and I spent pretty much the whole day yesterday: Just snuggling because he felt so crummy and didn't want to be put down or be alone at all.