Home building

Written 11/3/19

We moved into our new house yesterday! And of course by that I mean, we brought in all our stuff in bags and boxes into a chaos and we built our beds and washed our sheets and slept here! Haha. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that this is really our house and this is where we will be living for the next several years. It's surreal to me. We've waited for this day for sooo long it feels like and now it's here and I can barely believe it! Despite the house being an absolute disaster and not really knowing where anything is and our remodel still unfinished with lots of little details that need to be worked on still, right now, it's a peaceful, quiet Sunday afternoon. Emery is taking her nap and Levi is playing in his room with his airport which he is very happy to have back. Things are peaceful and still and I am feeling more than a little sleepy. Part of that is probably due to the fact that it's fast Sunday and at least a little of it can be attributed to the fact that I have gotten very little sleep this past week as we have been working hard on the house getting ready to move in. Ever since we closed on it, I have been throwing myself into getting it ready for us. Calling all the tradesmen, getting quotes, negotiating, buying product, giving instructions, painting, taping, cleaning, schmearing, and driving. Oh my all the driving. 40 minutes from the house to the ranch is great now that we are here but man was it a pain while we were still living at the ranch but having to drive out here all the time to work on the house. I know things will stay busy and hectic for a while while I set about unpacking all the things and cleaning more and organizing but it is still nice to be in our own space at last. And it feels so good to have enough space to grow into. I feel like this house will serve us well for at least a while to come.

Since we are just starting out here I really want to create a positive and happy home for me and the children. We haven't dedicated the house yet but we did sit down as a family two Mondays ago and talked about what we hope for this house and our goals. Like that this house would be a house of learning and service that here communication would be open and easy that all who enter here would feel understood. It's like a fresh page and a chance to work to develop new better habits and abandon older practices that don't serve us. I just have to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect, that the house doesn't have to be perfect and that progress (the evolution of discipleship) isn't usually a straight forward thing and that I will take steps backwards and sideways and that each day just won't be better than the last and that's ok as long as I keep facing the right direction. Focused on the Savior and my personal and family goals.


Photos of life from mid Oct through Nov 3rd:

Before we got things unpacked into the cabinets the kids- especially Emery!- really loved climbing into the cabinets and shutting the door. 

Our first dinner in our new house! Eating Little Ceasars pizza while sitting on a cardboard box on the kitchen floor! 

Two weekends before Halloween Katie and Kendall came to visit us! It was so fun to have them here! But the weekend was a little crazy because some workers were putting in a new gas line out at the ranch and they nicked Papi's sewer line so there we couldn't use any drains all weekend! Which meant no toilets and no showers at the house! We had to go up to the pool house or over to Jim and Jenny's for all of that which was quite the hassle! Especially with 11 people in the house that weekend! But it all worked out and we had a fun weekend anyway, especially with going to the pumpkin patch! 

The pumpkin patch had lots of fun bounce-houses for the kids! 

Levi was so exited to take a picture with Elsa and Anna! He LOVES Frozen. We are planning on taking him to see Frozen 2 as his first movie in the movie theater :)

This picture cracks me up! She's holding a computer mouse but it looks like she's a little business women doing a work phone call! 

Love, love, love my boys! 

Levi borrowed this Paw Patrol book from his cousins and was soo happy about it that he asked me to take a picture of him with it. 

My little tiger and Cat Boy at our ward Halloween party. Emery was not super thrilled to be a tiger but she got over it. 

On Halloween we got to go trick or treating at the library! They had a cute little Halloween themed story time and then the kids got to go around to the different library workers to get treats. I decided it wasn't work the struggle with Emery to put her in a costume she didn't like to wear so we just did a Halloween shirt for her. 

The Struggle is Real

Written 9/29/19 but published late

So I've been struggling lately. I've been waking up every morning with my teeth clenched and I even had a stress dream last night that reflects my feelings. I recently had an interview at another clinic (the third clinic I've interviewed at). I thought the interview went really well and the clinic director (also a PT) and I really hit it off! We talked for like an hour and a half and I felt sure I would hear from her soon. But that was a week and a half ago and I've heard nothing but crickets. I even sent a follow-up email with no response. Not a "no," not a "sorry we chose someone else" just nothing. So anyway, in my dream, I was at this clinic and I was looking through a window into the director's office and she was interviewing another girl who was just so relaxed and confident and better than me in pretty much every way. And the director offered her a job right on the spot. And I woke up feeling just awful. It's hard for me to be home all day with the kids, especially with Eric gone 12 hours a day and us not even having our own space to be in. Trey and Patty's house is starting to get crowded now with them and us and Matthew and Valerie and Silva and Emma all living here! But I don't think that's the real issue. I think its more that I just feel so depressed about the fact that I've applied for 7 different jobs, been interviewed by 3 of them and most of the places have just not gotten back to me at all. I never heard from any of the school jobs I applied for. I did get one job offer from a clinic but they COMPLETELY low balled me on the salary. Like insultingly low. So I counter-offered and thought I made it very clear that I was open to negotiation and they didn't even bother to respond. Which I think is rude and frustrating and makes me not want to work there anyway. And I guess I just feel pressured because 1) I spent so much time and money getting this career where I can help people and really make a difference and now I'm not even using it 2) Levi is old enough for preschool and really wants to go to preschool but we can't afford to send him unless I'm working and 3) I just don't do well being a stay at home mom. I feel like my brain is atrophying. I find myself wondering what to do all day every day. I am bored, my kids are bored and honestly, I just don't particularly like playing incredibles, or fight or whatever it is Levi wants to do. My little boy is all about the action- running, and jumping and wrestling and hitting and whacking things with pretend swords and shooting with pretend guns. Which is super typical and great but I would just so much rather read books or do art or something! He's s sweet kid and can be so snuggly and he is so smart and has a great memory but he is also passionate and opinionated and when he wakes up too early or doesn't get enough sleep he can be soooo difficult. This morning he woke up at 6 (which is way too early for him) and subsequently had a melt down because his cheerios were floating on his milk. He wanted me to pour more milk for him and didn't understand that even with more milk the cheerios would not stay under the milk. And it was all my fault in his mind. So he threw a screaming fit and tried to hit me. And the morning just continued on that vein with Emery also chiming in on the screaming and trouble-making. And it's especially hard for me to deal with all of this right now because the biggest issue this past week is that Emery no longer sleeps. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but she's been waking up multiple times a night, sometimes for HOURS at a time. And waking up early on top of that. On Thursday she got up at 4:30 am and WAS UP FOR THE DAY. It's killing me. And she's been fighting naps which is ridiculous because she should be so tired! The last few weeks I've been trying to transition her to one nap a day because 1) it is so much easier schedule-wise and 2) she has been refusing her afternoon nap for a while which just doesn't work because then she was only napping from like 9:30 to 11:30 and then trying to go from 11:30 all the way to bedtime with no nap which meant she was so tired and cranky by bedtime. Anyway, maybe she isn't ready for 1 nap a day? I don't know, but also she is cutting a new bottom tooth. I can just see it starting to poke through the surface and I'm thinking/hoping that's the cause of a lot of her recent sleep struggles but even when we give her Tylenol it doesn't seem to help so I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired. I'm tired and angry all the time and I just want to be in my own house and I want to go back to work and I feel like we are just moving through molasses on everything. It takes forever to close on the house, it's taking forever to try to get a job, etc, etc. I find myself catastrophizing a lot, most commonly something along the lines of "what if she never sleeps again?!?!?" It also doesn't help that we've been here for 3 months now and I still don't have any friends. I tried to get together with the one other young person in the Denton 4th ward but then her daughter got sick, then my mom was in town, then she was out of town, etc. It just hasn't worked out. My life in Oregon feels like a lifetime ago when I was a different person. It's like I've taken a giant step backward. No more job, no more friends, now I have roommates who eat all our food and make not-so-subtle comments about my parenting constantly and I find myself having to label everything and work around other people's messes. We can't get into our house soon enough! But at the same time, I worry that once we move into our own house I will get even more lonely. But at least then we will be in our ward with other young families and a vested interest in getting to know them. And Eric's commute will be an hour and a half shorter every day which I'm hoping will make a big difference.

I know I need to wean and sleep train Emery. But I dont' know how to. Especially with her and Levi sharing a room right now. It's not like we can just let her cry because that will just wake up Levi who would then also cry and yell and double our trouble. I feel stuck. And I find myself wanting to escape a lot. I've been listening to more audio books. I finished Educated which was sooo good. And I'm almost done with this fun short fantasy series by Mercedes Lackey. I've also been doing string art again. I'm working on a big project for our master bedroom. It's a 24"x24" mandala in white on a deep dark blue background. I'm loving how it's turning out!

I'm realizing that when I don't get enough sleep, I devolve into a short-tempered, dramatic and depressed version of myself. And I'm sure that there are so many other things I could be doing better to help my mood as well: working out more, taking a probiotic, doing better about my scripture study and prayer, talking to a counselor, etc. I know I could/should be doing these things. But the daily grind sucks the will out of me. I feel like I can't do all these things and also take care of my children well and attend to my other responsibilities. I think the most important element is sleep. Maybe this week I will make a concentrated effort to read my scriptures every morning, work out right after the kids are in bed, and then go to bed super early and see if that helps.

Anyway, aside from me being a Debbie Downer, there have been some good things happening around here, as highlighted by these pictures!:

My mom came to visit and it was wonderful as always! We went to the zoo and played and just hung out mostly. 

The petting zoo was actually open at the zoo so the kids got to brush some goats which they both really enjoyed. 

Emery stole grandma's glasses and looks just like a little librarian! Sooo cute! 

We went to a little carnival in Little Elm and stood in ridiculously long lines for rides. I was melting but Levi had a great time! He rode a little roller coaster and some motorcycle ride but his favorite was bumper cars with Daddy. 

We went to the Spanish ward's cultural night in support of Valerie's family. Silva and Emery are just the cutest cousins as always. 

Just some boys and their trains.

Mike and Kristie got a new swing that my kids love

Oh the slime disaster! I took the kids down to the playstreet museum in Flower Mound and as we were leaving one of the workers gave Levi some homemade slime. I made the huge mistake of letting him "hold"it in the car. At a light I turned back and saw this! The slime was EVERYWHERE! And then I freaked out a little and Levi started crying because he couldn't get the slime off of his hands and his shorts and it was altogether a disaster! I ended up just throwing those clothes of his away and spending over half an hour scrubbing his carseat with vinegar that night to get most of the slime off. I have definitely learned my lesson! No slime in the car ever! 

These girls will hold hands when going for walks outside. I just love them! 

Puddle jumping (or rather running through!) with Daddy! 

I just love my bleached blond babe! 

All the house things!

We closed on our house!!!! The day has finally come and we are officially homeowners!! I can barely believe it. And I am wasting no time in diving into the remodel! All the utilities are in our name, Eric and I went and picked out countertops on Wednesday night, and I've got 5 trades coming tomorrow and Tuesday to measure things and give estimates! I bought the mortar to mortar-wash the fireplace and I have measured everything and made plans. The countertops will be ridiculously expensive (it was a bit of a stark reality check when they told us the estimate) but I really think they will be worth it for us. I just can't wait to start transforming this place into our home the way we want it! We've got Levi's mountain decals ordered and new trash cans ordered and our CREATE letters decorated to go above the craft table. I've got a million house things on my mind and I love it. This week while I am in the house I will take all my before pictures so that I can share before and afters.

Anyway, so that's been the big thing on my mind. But even with all this going on, I've been trying to make sure the kids and I spend quality time together too so that we aren't spending all our time running errands for our new house. On Friday night we had planned to go camping but the cold has finally come (yay!!!!) and it was just too darn freezing for us to sleep outside. So instead, we set up our tent in the backyard by the fire pit and set up our air mattress inside with a bunch of blankets and we did s'mores over the fire and read books and snuggled and even though it was cold outside it was cozy in the tent and it was honestly way more relaxing and fun than I thought it would be. It was so nice to kind of unplug from everything and just chill together. And then we just went inside and put the kids to bed like normal so we got a regular night's sleep. Yay! Also, Emery is finally doing better with her sleep again knock on wood! She actually slept all the way through last night! We put her down at the regular time and she didn't make a peep till we got her up for church this morning at 6:45. It was GLORIOUS!

Another random note, I have been really making an effort to do good workouts every single Tues, Thurs and Saturday and I am starting to feel a difference! I am not dying during the workouts anymore and I feel like in general I am starting to feel more fit and have more energy. I love it!

I realized that I haven't taken many pictures lately but here's what I've got. It's mostly pictures of Levi and Emery being cute together and with their cousins. :)

Emery's bangs are long enough now to be pulled back and it is just the cutest thing!! And that face. 

She just has the best smile ever!

Levi's cute little soccer team on picture day!

I made this for our room. You can't really tell from this picture but it's big: 24" x24" and I really like how it turned out!