So That Just Happened

There have been several moments over the past few weeks that have made me make this face:

Say What?!

For example:

That time during my second post-partum visit when the provider tells me: 

"So basically you have a crater in the side of your vagina so that will take some time to, you know, fill in." 

Yes, I had a CRATER folks. Not the most reassuring thing to hear.

That time when our washing machine broke and I stepped out into the hallway and found it COMPLETELY flooded. Then two days later after we had had our carpet all ripped up and big fans running 24 hours/day and the maintenance guy had supposedly fixed our washer, and it happened again! (On the plus side we now have a shiny new washer!)

This delightful experience at the DMV:

So I decided to finally get an Oregon Driver's license, you know, I've only lived here a year now right? But primaries are coming up and I figure I should get a license and register to vote. So I bundle Levi up and head to the DMV. I walk in and get my number. 27 people ahead of me in line. I'm not surprised. I take a seat and say a silent prayer that baby will stay asleep while we wait for however long this takes. 40 minutes later I notice that the number being helped has skipped from 353 to 358. I'm number 354. Of course. So I go up to the counter and explain I've been skipped. After a little more waiting, I get called up.

DMV lady: "How can I help you?"

me: "Yes, I need a driver's license."

DMV lady: "From where?"

me: "Well I'm from Utah.." (not really sure what she means by this question)

DMV lady: "Oh that means you have to take a test"

me: "Yeah I know" (hello that's why I'm here)

DMV lady: "Well our computers are broken and we aren't sure when they will be fixed and we stop taking testers at 4." (it's 3:40)

me: "Well I've been here since 3."

DMV lady: "Well we don't know when the computers will be working. You'll have to come back tomorrow."

me: "....." (staring at her in disbelief)
me: "don't you think you should maybe make an announcement about that so that anyone else who's waiting to take a test can, you know, leave?"

DMV lady: "Oh yeah! Ok."

They make the announcement as I'm walking out the door. Seriously?

The many times over the past few weeks when I have come to the realization that although my husband may seem awake, he is in reality, quite asleep still. For example:

me: "Hey babe will you change Levi's diaper while I go to the bathroom before I feed him on the other side?"

Eric: Does not change diaper. Instead swaddles baby and attempts (unsuccessfully because baby is still quite hungry) to put him back to bed.

me: (while nursing) "Hey Eric, will you go get me my water bottle please?"

Eric: Leaves bedroom. 

Many minutes pass and he does not come back. Eventually I finish feeding Levi and go looking for Eric. He's asleep on the couch.

me: (while nursing) "Hey hon, will you go grab his swaddle blanket?"

Eric: Leaves bedroom.

Many minutes pass. Eventually he reappears in the doorway empty handed and looking confused.

me: "Honey did you forget what you were looking for?"

Eric: "I think so."

Folks this is my real life. It never ceases to surprise me. And I'm sure it will just get more interesting from here!

In other news, here are some more pictures of cute baby Levi from the past couple weeks:

Love my sweet baby smiles!

Just chilling

He wishes he could talk already

Got out of the shower one morning to find my boys like this. Life as a new baby and as a new dad is exhausting!

Ready for our walk one chilly morning

Love the activity mat/ball pit for Uncle Eric and Aunt Katie!! (Although Levi is still more interested in looking at people than toys)

Levi loves second breakfast!

He thinks Daddy is pretty cool. :)

Month One: Done!

This journey into motherhood and post-partum recovery has been... challenging to say the least. I had naively thought that if I gave birth vaginally, I would have a quick and easy recovery. Nothing could be further from the truth. Things have been so difficult, and it feels like just when one thing starts to work itself out, some new physical challenge pops up. But I really want to remember the good things and find the joy in each day rather than just the pain that I have been in and the challenges that I have faced. But it is difficult sometimes. 

Eric and I were incredibly blessed that my mom was able to stay with us for a while after Levi was born. She was a huge help and reassurance to me, especially as things didn't go as I expected. 

The first week home from the hospital, Levi struggled some with breastfeeding. He would thrash his head around like he couldn't feel the nipple even when I tried and tried to position him well and sometimes he couldn't latch on at all. He would get super frustrated and cry which made me feel horrible because I didn't know how to help him. Also sometimes he would bite me in an effort to latch or stay latched which hurt like crazy! Thankfully, we had an appointment with a lactation consultant on Friday. It was there that we first learned that Levi was tongue-tied. It wasn't a super bad tongue tie or they would have caught it in the hospital but it was bad enough to be causing him all these struggles with feeding. He was also continuing to lose weight. So the lactation consultant gave me a nipple shield and advised me to contact our pediatrician about getting his tongue tie fixed as soon as possible. So I made an appointment with the pediatrician for Monday and felt hopeful that I just had to go through one more weekend of wrestling match feedings and then everything would be better. Wrong.

Monday came and we found out that our pediatrician was unwilling to try to clip the tongue tie because it was too far posterior. He instead referred us to an ENT and told us to just keep using the nipple shield in the mean-time. This would have been fine but because of the nipple shield, my milk supply starting dropping and Levi was still not gaining weight well. He also was very gassy, refluxy and fussy. This started us on a couple weeks full of what seemed like endless visits with lactation consultants and weight checks both with lactation and with the pediatrician while we waited for our insurance to finally approve our referral so we could go into the ENT. During this time, I started to feel like I lived at the lactation consultant's office. I met almost every different lactation consultant at Willamette Falls Hospital and learned that some are definitely better than others! Some made me feel like a failure for needing to supplement with formula and others encouraged me, acknowledged the difficulties I was facing and literally cheered when we managed to get Levi to latch well. I really appreciate those lactation consultants who listened without judging and were able to point out the good things that were happening and the progress we made as we just kept trying. I had always wanted to breastfeed my baby and I knew the benefits of breastfeeding, but during those couple of weeks before Levi's tongue tie was fixed, I contemplated just giving up on breastfeeding multiple times. And I felt like a failure for even thinking about giving up on breastfeeding but it was just so difficult. Even now, Levi still has his hard days and some bad habits that he picked up before he could move his tongue well but he has gotten so much better! We hardly ever have to use a nipple shield now and he can usually latch without too much help although it sometimes takes a couple tries still. He almost never does the head thrashing around thing now which I am so grateful for because it just broke my heart to see him so frustrated. 

While all these things were going on with breastfeeding, I also faced some physical challenges. The Monday after Levi was born I developed muscle aches and just plain didn't feel well. My stitches also hurt like crazy, although they had been pretty painful ever since I got them so that wasn't too new. I was uncomfortable in pretty much any position except lying on my left side. The way that I tore when Levi was born was unusual in that I tore to the right side so all of my pain was on the right. Tuesday I really wasn't feeling well. Two sisters from the Relief Society came over to visit me and while they were there I started shaking and shivering even though I was covered up with a blanket and the house was quite warm. I just couldn't stop shaking so as soon as they left I took my temperature and found that I had a 102 degree fever even though I was already on heavy duty Ibuprofen and Tylenol for the pain. So I called my OBGYN and got an appointment for that same afternoon. I was so sick that I actually laid down in the exam room while I waited for the doctor to come in. She took one look at my perineum and told me it was definitely infected and prescribed some antibiotics. 

Fortunately, the antibiotics did what they were supposed to do and within 48 hours my fevers had gone away and I was actually able to walk and move a little more easily. Unfortunately the antibiotics wiped out all my good bacteria. Within two weeks I had developed a raging yeast infection which lead to further pain and halted healing in the area. A week later I also developed C Diff which is caused by an antibiotic resistant bacteria of the gut that takes over when the good bacteria are killed off by antibiotics. This antibiotic resistant bacteria secretes toxins which start to destroy your intestinal wall causing pain, cramping and diarrhea. Unfortunately, it takes a while to diagnose C Diff because you have to grow cultures. So, long story short, I suffered with this, eating pretty much nothing except rice, dry toast and pasta, applesauce, bananas and jello for a full week before I was able to get a diagnosis and start treatment for the C Diff. 

It was hard for me to keep my spirits up as all of this was going on. I just wanted to be able to bond with my baby and cherish my time with him while he was so little, but I was in so much pain so much of the time that it was incredibly distracting. It was hard for me to think about anything other than worrying about Levi not gaining weight the way his doctor wanted him to and me not getting better. Thankfully, Eric was able to work from home and be with me pretty much all the time. And my family and my in laws all came out for Levi's blessing two weeks after he was born which lifted my spirits and helped me not feel so alone. After they left, I really struggled for a little while but gradually by getting back into walking every day, doing post-natal yoga and talking through things with my husband and my mom, I started to accept the way my recovery was going and be more patient with myself and my body. 

So that is pretty much how the first month of Levi's life went! I will write another post about how things have been going since then but now, pictures! It's crazy to look at these pictures now and see how much my little baby has already grown and changed so much!  

Only a couple days old and wanting to check out the world. Don't mind Dad's hand creeping over the back of the head like some weird hair-piece. 

Levi's first smile I ever caught on camera. Such a sweet boy! Melts my heart.

 So excited about the new blankie from his Oma! 

Levi's absolutely favoritest place to sleep is on his daddy's chest. He would love it if we just let him sleep on one of us all the time! In fact, as I write this, he is happily snuggled up on Dad's chest again :)

Levi's blessing day! We were so lucky to get to have my parents and Eric's parents here for it as well as my siblings. It was wonderful!

Milk-drunk baby. I love how he will let him hands rest on his knees like this when he's sleeping on my lap. Also, check how ginormous his hands are!! 

Possibly one of my favorite pictures of all time. Those brows!! That mouth! I can't even. 

As he gets older I love how he is getting more alert and showing us more and more of his personality!

Flying Solo

Today was my first full day home alone with Levi. Up until now I have been ridiculously spoiled because Eric has been doing contract work so he has been able to work from home and be with me most of the day. Not going to lie, I was a little bit nervous about taking care of Levi by myself all day. But I am super happy because not only did both baby and I survive, but we also managed to go for a walk with a friend, clean the master bathroom, do a load of laundry, menu plan for the week and go to Costco! Oh and give sweet Levi a bath.

Little man was all smiles after his bath :)

Tomorrow's the big day that I get the rest of my stitches out. They were supposed to dissolve on their own, but for some reason they never did. The midwife that I saw at my last appointment said that they are starting to irritate the tissue and keep it from healing all the way so they need to take them out. She tried to get them last appointment, but I was a big baby and wouldn't let her get them all because it was too painful (probably partially due to the raging yeast infection I had going on at the time). So tomorrow we try again. I am trying not to be too scared of the idea but I am making Eric come with me for support anyway. Tomorrow is also the day we start trying silver nitrate on the part of my tear that never healed to see if we can get it to heal up. Fingers crossed!